I always wonder (yes, I do a lot of wondering) when or if I decide to
off myself, will I leave a note? I imagine it takes much mental energy
to decide what to write, how to write it, and who to write it to. Do I
want sympathy or do I invoke anger? Should I post it on social media and
Google groups? What if I leave no note at all, would it leave them to
always to wonder why? Maybe nobody would give a shit at all; they
wouldn't even read the note. Ah, fuck it; I guess it's easier to keep on
living.

On Monday, October 11, 2021 at 1:37:14 PM UTC-4, Judith Latham wrote:
> I always wonder (yes, I do a lot of wondering) when or if I decide to
> off myself, will I leave a note? I imagine it takes much mental energy
> to decide what to write, how to write it, and who to write it to. Do I
> want sympathy or do I invoke anger? Should I post it on social media and
> Google groups? What if I leave no note at all, would it leave them to
> always to wonder why? Maybe nobody would give a shit at all; they
> wouldn't even read the note. Ah, fuck it; I guess it's easier to keep on
> living.

This ng is one long suicide note.

OllieN...@aol.com wrote:
Judith Latham wrote:

> > I always wonder (yes, I do a lot of wondering) when or if I decide to
> > off myself, will I leave a note? I imagine it takes much mental energy
> > to decide what to write, how to write it, and who to write it to. Do I
> > want sympathy or do I invoke anger? Should I post it on social media and
> > Google groups? What if I leave no note at all, would it leave them to
> > always to wonder why? Maybe nobody would give a shit at all; they
> > wouldn't even read the note. Ah, fuck it; I guess it's easier to keep on
> > living.

> This ng is one long suicide note.

LOL, Ollie's response and the topic as a whole. For me I can see the suicide note as one long excuse to never get around to doing it. I can even see it becoming a hobby - one that turns out really good not just for you but for others who enjoy reading your ongoing farewell note. You develop a following. They clamor for a book. You deliver. Then they demand a sequel. This is cool - never before did you feel you had anything worth living for.. But now it's getting to be too much as you cry out, "How many sequels must there be and will these people ever stop clamoring ask for me. I'm telling you, this popularity thing is going to drive me to suicide."

"Did he leave a note."

"Well, sort of."

Wha'dya mean 'sort of'?"

"I mean he left a chart with a bunch of clues on it as to where the note can be found and whoever finds it first inherits his money."

Finding where he hid his suicide note becomes a trending thing. Like everyone trying to hit the lottery. Such a game could inspire even more suicides and even murder as is the case with popular challenges and so forth.

On Monday, October 11, 2021 at 8:42:26 PM UTC-4, jazee...@gmail.com wrote:
> OllieN...@aol.com wrote:
> Judith Latham wrote:
>
> > > I always wonder (yes, I do a lot of wondering) when or if I decide to
> > > off myself, will I leave a note? I imagine it takes much mental energy
> > > to decide what to write, how to write it, and who to write it to. Do I
> > > want sympathy or do I invoke anger? Should I post it on social media and
> > > Google groups? What if I leave no note at all, would it leave them to
> > > always to wonder why? Maybe nobody would give a shit at all; they
> > > wouldn't even read the note. Ah, fuck it; I guess it's easier to keep on
> > > living.
>
> > This ng is one long suicide note.
> LOL, Ollie's response and the topic as a whole. For me I can see the suicide note as one long excuse to never get around to doing it. I can even see it becoming a hobby - one that turns out really good not just for you but for others who enjoy reading your ongoing farewell note. You develop a following. They clamor for a book. You deliver. Then they demand a sequel. This is cool - never before did you feel you had anything worth living for. But now it's getting to be too much as you cry out, "How many sequels must there be and will these people ever stop clamoring ask for me. I'm telling you, this popularity thing is going to drive me to suicide."
>
>
> "Did he leave a note."
>
> "Well, sort of."
>
> Wha'dya mean 'sort of'?"
>
> "I mean he left a chart with a bunch of clues on it as to where the note can be found and whoever finds it first inherits his money."
>
> Finding where he hid his suicide note becomes a trending thing. Like everyone trying to hit the lottery. Such a game could inspire even more suicides and even murder as is the case with popular challenges and so forth.

How many like in a percentage of suicides do people leave a note? Of course a lot of them with notes are probably murder with a fake note.

> How many like in a percentage of suicides do people leave a note? Of course a lot of them with notes are probably murder with a fake note.

I am not surprised that a guy with a sick mind like yours would say such a thing. A sick mind and a murderer at heart. So naturally you'd know all the tricks. Some suicide notes are fake. I know a lot of guys who work with the FBI and other agencies who have files on suicides and murders. I can tell you the percentage of suicide people who leave notes, but I won't, because to do so might ruin the fun of trying to figure it out on your own. Most suicide people do not leave notes. I will not reveal the percentage on either side. I will only say this: A lot of people write suicide notes but never commit suicide. We need to find out who they are and make them go through with it one way or another - a shit or get of the pot type thing. There are probably some people who started out writing a farewell note and it became interesting, a project of devotion which turned into an underground pamphlet of novella size. The guy became so good at writing suicide notes that he now hires himself out as a suicide note writer for those who don't feel up to writing it themselves.

"Have Suicide Note, Will Travel!"

On 10/11/2021 8:42 PM, Thomas Joseph wrote:
> OllieN...@aol.com wrote:
> Judith Latham wrote:
>
>>> I always wonder (yes, I do a lot of wondering) when or if I decide to
>>> off myself, will I leave a note? I imagine it takes much mental energy
>>> to decide what to write, how to write it, and who to write it to. Do I
>>> want sympathy or do I invoke anger? Should I post it on social media and
>>> Google groups? What if I leave no note at all, would it leave them to
>>> always to wonder why? Maybe nobody would give a shit at all; they
>>> wouldn't even read the note. Ah, fuck it; I guess it's easier to keep on
>>> living.
>
>> This ng is one long suicide note.
>
>
> LOL, Ollie's response and the topic as a whole. For me I can see the suicide note as one long excuse to never get around to doing it. I can even see it becoming a hobby - one that turns out really good not just for you but for others who enjoy reading your ongoing farewell note. You develop a following. They clamor for a book. You deliver. Then they demand a sequel. This is cool - never before did you feel you had anything worth living for. But now it's getting to be too much as you cry out, "How many sequels must there be and will these people ever stop clamoring ask for me. I'm telling you, this popularity thing is going to drive me to suicide."
>
>
> "Did he leave a note."
>
> "Well, sort of."
>
> Wha'dya mean 'sort of'?"
>
> "I mean he left a chart with a bunch of clues on it as to where the note can be found and whoever finds it first inherits his money."
>
> Finding where he hid his suicide note becomes a trending thing. Like everyone trying to hit the lottery. Such a game could inspire even more suicides and even murder as is the case with popular challenges and so forth.
>

It's a great idea for a book. Someone can collect a vast number of
suicide notes; both from the famous and ordinary people. Only those who
actually committed that act would have their notes published. We don't
need any drama queens and their so-called cries for help. It's not only
the whys I want to know, I want to know how they determined the method
they chose. Why jump off a balcony as opposed to blowing your brains
out? Poison over hanging? The ones who I'd devote a whole chapter to
would be people who choose self-immolation. You have to be really
dedicated to pick that. All those notes I'd want published.

On Thursday, October 14, 2021 at 8:50:56 PM UTC-4, Judith Latham wrote:
> On 10/11/2021 8:42 PM, Thomas Joseph wrote:
> > OllieN...@aol.com wrote:
> > Judith Latham wrote:
> >
> >>> I always wonder (yes, I do a lot of wondering) when or if I decide to
> >>> off myself, will I leave a note? I imagine it takes much mental energy
> >>> to decide what to write, how to write it, and who to write it to. Do I
> >>> want sympathy or do I invoke anger? Should I post it on social media and
> >>> Google groups? What if I leave no note at all, would it leave them to
> >>> always to wonder why? Maybe nobody would give a shit at all; they
> >>> wouldn't even read the note. Ah, fuck it; I guess it's easier to keep on
> >>> living.
> >
> >> This ng is one long suicide note.
> >
> >
> > LOL, Ollie's response and the topic as a whole. For me I can see the suicide note as one long excuse to never get around to doing it. I can even see it becoming a hobby - one that turns out really good not just for you but for others who enjoy reading your ongoing farewell note. You develop a following. They clamor for a book. You deliver. Then they demand a sequel. This is cool - never before did you feel you had anything worth living for. But now it's getting to be too much as you cry out, "How many sequels must there be and will these people ever stop clamoring ask for me. I'm telling you, this popularity thing is going to drive me to suicide."
> >
> >
> > "Did he leave a note."
> >
> > "Well, sort of."
> >
> > Wha'dya mean 'sort of'?"
> >
> > "I mean he left a chart with a bunch of clues on it as to where the note can be found and whoever finds it first inherits his money."
> >
> > Finding where he hid his suicide note becomes a trending thing. Like everyone trying to hit the lottery. Such a game could inspire even more suicides and even murder as is the case with popular challenges and so forth.
> >
> It's a great idea for a book. Someone can collect a vast number of
> suicide notes; both from the famous and ordinary people. Only those who
> actually committed that act would have their notes published. We don't
> need any drama queens and their so-called cries for help. It's not only
> the whys I want to know, I want to know how they determined the method
> they chose. Why jump off a balcony as opposed to blowing your brains
> out? Poison over hanging? The ones who I'd devote a whole chapter to
> would be people who choose self-immolation. You have to be really
> dedicated to pick that. All those notes I'd want published.

I called the suicide help line to get some advice on the best way to do it. Some asshole kept telling me not to do it.

Judith Latham wrote:

> It's a great idea for a book. Someone can collect a vast number of suicide notes; both from the famous and ordinary people. Only those who actually committed that act would have their notes published. We don't need any drama queens and their so-called cries for help. It's not only the whys I want to know, I want to know how they determined the method they chose. Why jump off a balcony as opposed to blowing your brains out? Poison over hanging? The ones who I'd devote a whole chapter to would be people who choose self-immolation. You have to be really dedicated to pick that. All those notes I'd want published.
//////////////////////

I would never devote an entire chapter to one method alone. But I can't deny it, self immolation is an incredible EOL choice. EOL - end of life. But I am an honest man. I don't want to lie, especially to myself. So I must confess I have long wondered if the writing in suicide notes is really good because of it's direct truth, or simply because the topic attracts me.

I choose to believe the former. I think people who know they are going to die tend to be more open, more honest in many ways including their writing.. I enjoy suicide notes. I would love to read and assemble a bunch of suicide notes for publication while at the same time rejecting those that don't measure up. We don't need to get desperate. With suicide notes it's like Al Jolson's stage motto, "You aint seen nothing yet" - because in the suicide world there is a lot of material with more on the way each day. I agree with you that suicide notes not accompanied by actual suicide should never be published under any condition. If they're real we'll publish them. My final judgment? Suicide notes are concise and well written because people are more honest and straight to the point right before they die.

Yes, someone can collect a bunch of suicide notes. But who would that someone be? Probably somebody already in possession of thousands of them, like a baseball card collector. Just holding on to them till he thinks they're worth something. He's not into the art of it the way we are, he's just a cheap collector. Fuck him. He's hoarding all the notes. Not just him, there are others. That's the point - where do we get the suicide notes? If we advertise for them we'll wind up getting a lot of attention seekers, the ones who, as you mentioned, will talk about it forever but never do it.

However, this is not always true. This is true though. In Hollywood a woman stood atop the tallest building in Hollywood at Sunset and Vine. I was not there. But my uncle and others who frequented a nearby restaurant hangout were. My uncle told me he could see her shoes over the roof's edge. She stood there for nearly an hour. Cops, cameras, people. At some point she had to urinate and they managed to grab her from behind. She was ushered away to some nuthouse, leaving most, including myself after hearing the story, saying she was just looking for attention. Well, two months later that same woman went to the top of that same building. And this time she jumped.

Sometimes people aren't ready the first time

> I called the suicide help line to get some advice on the best way to do it. Some asshole kept telling me not to do it.

The suicide hotline should be like the devil on one shoulder, an angel on the other with people working the phones answering with, "Hello, suicide hotline. If you want someone to help talk you out of suicide, press #1 now. If you want someone to help tell you how to do it, press #2 now." Or you get whoever calls. Random. And they're all different. One might tell you, "Do it man, do it now - don't be afraid", with others heard in the background yelling, "No, bullshit - he's lying, he's lying." The caller is so entertained by the OTP (over the phone) conflict that to avoid suicide he calls every night for fun, the only fun he's had in years.

On Friday, October 15, 2021 at 3:07:54 PM UTC-4, jazee...@gmail.com wrote:
> > I called the suicide help line to get some advice on the best way to do it. Some asshole kept telling me not to do it.
> The suicide hotline should be like the devil on one shoulder, an angel on the other with people working the phones answering with, "Hello, suicide hotline. If you want someone to help talk you out of suicide, press #1 now. If you want someone to help tell you how to do it, press #2 now." Or you get whoever calls. Random. And they're all different. One might tell you, "Do it man, do it now - don't be afraid", with others heard in the background yelling, "No, bullshit - he's lying, he's lying." The caller is so entertained by the OTP (over the phone) conflict that to avoid suicide he calls every night for fun, the only fun he's had in years.

How many suicide hot line people commit suicide? Do they call first? Or they heard and said it all so they don't waste the dime?

On 10/17/2021 2:51 PM, OllieNorthie@aol.com wrote:
> On Friday, October 15, 2021 at 3:07:54 PM UTC-4, jazee...@gmail.com wrote:
>>> I called the suicide help line to get some advice on the best way to do it. Some asshole kept telling me not to do it.
>> The suicide hotline should be like the devil on one shoulder, an angel on the other with people working the phones answering with, "Hello, suicide hotline. If you want someone to help talk you out of suicide, press #1 now. If you want someone to help tell you how to do it, press #2 now." Or you get whoever calls. Random. And they're all different. One might tell you, "Do it man, do it now - don't be afraid", with others heard in the background yelling, "No, bullshit - he's lying, he's lying." The caller is so entertained by the OTP (over the phone) conflict that to avoid suicide he calls every night for fun, the only fun he's had in years.
>
>
> How many suicide hot line people commit suicide? Do they call first? Or they heard and said it all so they don't waste the dime?
>

I'm with Thomas. When I call the suicide hotline, I expect someone there
to be able to coach me in the 'what and hows'. I don't need some
"do-gooder" trying to talk me out of it. I hate people who think they
know what's best for me. Want to piss me off? Tell me how much of a
pretty face I have and that I should lose weight. Those are the people I
want to grab by the scruff of their neck, force their head between the
crack of my ass and then blow a fart that burns. F**k you! Just tell me
how to kill myself efficient and quick.

> How many suicide hot line people commit suicide? Do they call first? Or they heard and said it all so they don't waste the dime?

I'm sure today's tech savvy youngsters prank call suicide hotlines and record it on their bluetooth devices, or whatever they are called. Either way they don't measure up to the old $1.00 suction cup device on a cord that plugged into any tape recorder. I used to always own one. Got a lot of laughs out of them. I don't know if they're around anymore. You'd suction the cup to the back of the ear piece of the phone and the recorder would pick up both voices, the caller and the callee, equally. In fact, the caller actually got a bit better coverage. Those things were great. Do you remember them? Please say yes or I'm going to kill myself.

Want to piss me off? Tell me how much of a
> pretty face I have and that I should lose weight. Those are the people I
> want to grab by the scruff of their neck, force their head between the
> crack of my ass and then blow a fart that burns. F**k you! Just tell me
> how to kill myself efficient and quick.

I suppose from the earlier 'poetry' post in this group I am still in a poetic mood, seeing everything coming my way as a poem from the soul of the earth. Like just now, above - your post where you say you blow "a fart that burns", it was flowing so nicely I didn't see the period to end the sentence and went directly into "F**k you", which in this case for some reason looks more hateful and emphatic than 'fuck you' in it's regular form. So it was like a poem for a moment there.

Force their heads
Between the crack of my ass
And blow a fart that burns "Fuck You"
Into their astonished face
Like the brand on a cattle's hide

Rawhide the motha hub

On Sunday, October 17, 2021 at 6:52:31 PM UTC-4, jazee...@gmail.com wrote:
> Want to piss me off? Tell me how much of a
> > pretty face I have and that I should lose weight. Those are the people I
> > want to grab by the scruff of their neck, force their head between the
> > crack of my ass and then blow a fart that burns. F**k you! Just tell me
> > how to kill myself efficient and quick.
> I suppose from the earlier 'poetry' post in this group I am still in a poetic mood, seeing everything coming my way as a poem from the soul of the earth. Like just now, above - your post where you say you blow "a fart that burns", it was flowing so nicely I didn't see the period to end the sentence and went directly into "F**k you", which in this case for some reason looks more hateful and emphatic than 'fuck you' in it's regular form. So it was like a poem for a moment there.
>
> Force their heads
> Between the crack of my ass
> And blow a fart that burns "Fuck You"
> Into their astonished face
> Like the brand on a cattle's hide
>
> Rawhide the motha hub

Big cum loads. Yes.

> Big cum loads. Yes.

It's a seedy joint. It's packed. A comic is on stage but about to leave. The star of the night is about to take the stage and the crowd is hushed. The Poet is ready. He takes the stage. I mean he takes it like he owns it. He grabs the mic and screams, "I don't need this thing", tossing it gruffly to the side before bending down to pick it and explaining, "But I like it", holding it up before his face like a winning sportsman gazing at one of his trophies.

He speaks. "Been getting into wordless poetry lately", he says in a soft tone, a whisper actually, thanks to one of modern technology's man gifts, the stage mic. "What's a bunch of words?", he shrieks to the crowd. "Who needs 'em?"

Then he undresses on stage to the delight of his many followers, all hypnotized by his natural charisma. His cock grows - hands free. The audience is agog.

"And now, a poem for the ages - the first on stage non verbal poem of our time", as his cock bounces with glee, stretching to the hilt, the warhead bulging and glowing beet red, the massive shaft groaning almost aloud as load after load of hot steaming cum is released out into the audience, their arms outstretched, their mouths opened, to accept absorb the poem deep into their souls where it's full meaning can and by God will be fully understood and revered forever.

On Monday, October 18, 2021 at 9:32:51 PM UTC-4, jazee...@gmail.com wrote:
> > Big cum loads. Yes.
>
>
> It's a seedy joint. It's packed. A comic is on stage but about to leave. The star of the night is about to take the stage and the crowd is hushed. The Poet is ready. He takes the stage. I mean he takes it like he owns it. He grabs the mic and screams, "I don't need this thing", tossing it gruffly to the side before bending down to pick it and explaining, "But I like it", holding it up before his face like a winning sportsman gazing at one of his trophies.
>
> He speaks. "Been getting into wordless poetry lately", he says in a soft tone, a whisper actually, thanks to one of modern technology's man gifts, the stage mic. "What's a bunch of words?", he shrieks to the crowd. "Who needs 'em?"
>
> Then he undresses on stage to the delight of his many followers, all hypnotized by his natural charisma. His cock grows - hands free. The audience is agog.
>
> "And now, a poem for the ages - the first on stage non verbal poem of our time", as his cock bounces with glee, stretching to the hilt, the warhead bulging and glowing beet red, the massive shaft groaning almost aloud as load after load of hot steaming cum is released out into the audience, their arms outstretched, their mouths opened, to accept absorb the poem deep into their souls where it's full meaning can and by God will be fully understood and revered forever.

See this is what needs to be taught in schools. Are any schools open? Well if not lets get them open.

On 10/18/2021 9:32 PM, Thomas Joseph wrote:
>
>> Big cum loads. Yes.
>
>
> It's a seedy joint. It's packed. A comic is on stage but about to leave. The star of the night is about to take the stage and the crowd is hushed. The Poet is ready. He takes the stage. I mean he takes it like he owns it. He grabs the mic and screams, "I don't need this thing", tossing it gruffly to the side before bending down to pick it and explaining, "But I like it", holding it up before his face like a winning sportsman gazing at one of his trophies.
>
> He speaks. "Been getting into wordless poetry lately", he says in a soft tone, a whisper actually, thanks to one of modern technology's man gifts, the stage mic. "What's a bunch of words?", he shrieks to the crowd. "Who needs 'em?"
>
> Then he undresses on stage to the delight of his many followers, all hypnotized by his natural charisma. His cock grows - hands free. The audience is agog.
>
> "And now, a poem for the ages - the first on stage non verbal poem of our time", as his cock bounces with glee, stretching to the hilt, the warhead bulging and glowing beet red, the massive shaft groaning almost aloud as load after load of hot steaming cum is released out into the audience, their arms outstretched, their mouths opened, to accept absorb the poem deep into their souls where it's full meaning can and by God will be fully understood and revered forever.
>

I am horrified at what I just read. I thought this was a family news
group. Might not there be children reading this offensive material? Who
do I speak to about this unholy script? Blasphemy!

On Monday, October 11, 2021 at 10:37:14 AM UTC-7, Judith Latham wrote:
> I always wonder (yes, I do a lot of wondering) when or if I decide to
> off myself, will I leave a note? I imagine it takes much mental energy
> to decide what to write, how to write it, and who to write it to. Do I
> want sympathy or do I invoke anger? Should I post it on social media and
> Google groups? What if I leave no note at all, would it leave them to
> always to wonder why? Maybe nobody would give a shit at all; they
> wouldn't even read the note. Ah, fuck it; I guess it's easier to keep on
> living.

I'd leave a note if I could find it, but I can't find the slots for new and used toilet paper.

> See this is what needs to be taught in schools. Are any schools open? Well if not lets get them open.

I see the wordless poet operating under the Gallagher motif with audience members anxiously awaiting debris flying their way when he takes his sledge hammer to massive watermelons and other seedy fruits spraying them from the stage. Only difference is the wordless poet's audience does not come dressed in aprons and garbage bags. They come raw. They want the real deal. Whatever the wordless poet has for them today they will accept with gusto without wearing a bunch of stupid protective gear.

Ollie, et al - I just spent 3 days in bed - a long time. I thought about the group as I lay there too weak in a pleasant but stupid way to get up and hit the newsgroup. I am telling you this because I got the 'over the limit' posting message kind of early today, maybe because I was responding to threads already loaded with multiple posts. I am not responding to these posts and copying them and pasting them into my email program for later sending to the group. Why? Because that's the kind of guy I am.

> I'd leave a note if I could find it, but I can't find the slots for new and used toilet paper.

I would leave a note. I would type it because I am a typist. It would be a long note. It could go on for years. Or until I develop a blood clot in one or both of my wrists from pounding the keys over the years. I would not commit suicide, but I could die by my own hand, or more accurately my own fingers.

On Saturday, October 23, 2021 at 3:32:49 AM UTC-4, jazee...@gmail.com wrote:
> > I'd leave a note if I could find it, but I can't find the slots for new and used toilet paper.
> I would leave a note. I would type it because I am a typist. It would be a long note. It could go on for years. Or until I develop a blood clot in one or both of my wrists from pounding the keys over the years. I would not commit suicide, but I could die by my own hand, or more accurately my own fingers.

SUicide or homicide - you decide.

On Sunday, October 31, 2021 at 4:37:57 AM UTC-4, OllieN...@aol.com wrote:

> SUicide or homicide - you decide.

Actually, now that I think about it that's one of the few actual decisions we get to make. But the edict can come down from someone other than yourself. You could be held prisoner along with your wife or whoever you consider the love of your life for the moment. Your captors stand behind bullet proof shields and toss you a pistol. "Kill your wife or kill yourself - or both if you feel like it", they say - "The choice is yours." And it is.

What would you do?

On Sunday, October 31, 2021 at 7:35:31 PM UTC-4, jazee...@gmail.com wrote:
> On Sunday, October 31, 2021 at 4:37:57 AM UTC-4, OllieN...@aol.com wrote:
>
> > SUicide or homicide - you decide.
> Actually, now that I think about it that's one of the few actual decisions we get to make. But the edict can come down from someone other than yourself. You could be held prisoner along with your wife or whoever you consider the love of your life for the moment. Your captors stand behind bullet proof shields and toss you a pistol. "Kill your wife or kill yourself - or both if you feel like it", they say - "The choice is yours." And it is.
>
> What would you do?

I would be pissed. I am tired of these tests or life decisions. I want to coast....

> I would be pissed. I am tired of these tests or life decisions. I want to coast....

Funny. I am in your camp all the way about not liking to make decisions. I hate it. That's why I just spend 5 days pretty much in bed and that's why there have been no posts from me lately. Actually, I would love to make decisions if I really cared about what I'm deciding about. I am not joking when I say I would be great working on a rules committee. Not for society per se, more for football games and so forth. I am all about balance. I want balance. I need balance. So when I am making a decision - so painstaking in its rendering that I wonder if it will ever happen - I put every ounce of the golden rule into it. I am totally biased when it comes to rules..
But yes, I not only do not like decisions, I have left myself with very few and am now beginning to wonder if I did the wrong thing. I will think about it a while - and then I will decide.