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Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:05 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1599

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1599
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1594 12 votes 11352 30540 15123 12621 12342 22341 12621 32331 22440 31431
1594 3.0 mean 3.5 2.8 3.1 3.0 3.3 3.0 3.0 2.8 2.8 2.8

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-01

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The Dr says I am covidly obese. Will I die? And will you sing at the
> funeral? What song? Or maybe a marching band with bagpipes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's alright. You're not going to die. A nice glad of warm milk with
} honey to soothe your throat and those irritated lungs.
} } It'll make the coffin stop.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-02

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
>
> Can someone be born blind for sinning? Could he have sinned before he
> was born?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters of religion it is paramount or perhaps paramour that we seek
} guidance from the Holy Bible, which contains advice that you are not
} expected to understand. See First Kings, chapter 7, verses 23 and 26,
} in which we learn that pi is equal to three.
} } That valuation is a good example of obscure code. "You are not expected
} to understand this." See line 2238 of the source code in Lions'
} Commentary on Unix Version 6.
} } Remember, the Bible can be understood only by God's Eyes, not yours.
} Similarly, any abstruse code from Brian or Dennis.
} } You owe the Oracle a complete explanation of
} if(rp->p_flag&SSWAP) {
} rp->p_flag =& ~SSWAP;
} aretu(u.u_ssav);
} }

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-03

Selected-By: <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please wave your wreath of laurel in a hearty welcome to Latrina
> Commode of Flushing, New York and her horse Double You See as they
> enter the wring for the final event in today's Grand Euphemism
> Cup Races.
>
> Is your television even turned on? Shame!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ticket prices have been slashed, so come on down to the paddock and
} don't frighten the horses.
} } Here you can pick your own vegetables for charity, so take a leak and
} raise money for the Society of Humans Ignoring Toilet-Seats UP.
} } Oh no, what's this; the horse-feed has been spilled and the almonds
} are all on the floor. The jockeys are gathering tightly around the
} nuts; that must be painful.
} } I'm not privy to all the details, but a little bird told me the
} jockeys have been powdering their noses with "talcum powder" for
} several hours, so the results should be interesting.
} } And after a long race, the winner is holding the Armitage Shanks bowl
} high in the air; flushed with success. Now if you'll excuse me I
} promised my husband I'd take our children swimming, so I need to drop
} the kids off at the pool.
} } You owe the Oracle an arrest warrant for whoever stole Zadoc's
} collection of urine samples. That's just taking the piss.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I thought that using elemental fluorine as my oxidizer instead of good
> ol' liquid oxygen would give my rocket the extra bit of kick it needed
> to reach orbit, but it keeps oxidizing my nozzles and tubing in
> addition to my fuel. I've tried every material I can think of, but
> every time I test-fire the rocket engine it melts or flakes or
> something and explodes and contaminates my wind tunnel with fluorine.
>
> Have I overlooked an obvious solution here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use solid FOOF. It already has oxygen and fluorine, and plenty of it.
} Your chances of getting a bad reaction are, um, ah, oh well.
} } Look, when something is about 483% explosive you had better have your
} very best running shoes on.
} } Oh dear! Now we know that FOOF is capable of exploding if one merely
} thinks about it. Sorry about the loss of your thumbs. And toes. And
} nose. And more.
} } Yes, I do feel rather silly, composing an answer to a cloud of former
} supplicant!

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Renfrew again, you remember me, the supplicant who never understands
> his own parfluous questions or your uninestimable answers.
>
> I have just discovered the secret of winning at the races. I'm going to
> bet on Master Robert, owned by Lord Airlie, in the 1924 Grand National
> at Aintree. This is a good way to make lots of money, if only I can
> find the method for placing my bets. Your uninestimable help will be
> especially uninestimable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting choice, since Master Robert was run with starting
} odds of 25/1, but you could bet on Tipperary Tim in 1928 at 100/1
} odds. Famously Tipperary Tim could only win if all the other horses
} fell, which just so happened to have occured. Forty-two horses raced
} and two finished, jockey William Dutton having the advantage between
} the two because he stayed on his horse for the whole race.
} } So I'm sure you see my point. Merely betting on a known winner will
} get you some money, but finding and betting on the most improbable
} winner is how to really rake it in. Then to place the bets, I
} recommend the radio delay grift. Find _The Sting_ on Netf^H^H^H^H
} VHS or laserdisk and study that fine example of post-post betting
} being used to secure a gambling edge.
} } Just be careful not accidentally watch Sting in _Dune_ or the
} stinging insect movie _Stung_ because then you'll shouting killing
} words at wasps instead.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-06

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Which are those words you were telling me about that are not spelled
> the way they are written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those are loanwords. Please give them back when you are done with them.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Holy Jumpin' Double Jeezus! Holy Double Jumpin' Double Jeezus! I just
> found out that when I thought I was cussin', with all those religious
> words, I was actually committing blasphemy. Please tell me how to
> reverse blasphemy so that I don't go to GOTO HELL, which my cousin the
> computer porngamer says is Very Very Bad.
>
> Also tell me how to make money like my cousin does. He won't talk about
> it. He also says I should use the COMEFROM statement in
> FIVEANDAHALFTRAN. He's lying, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you need is pray to CHEESES
} Now St Paul said what is that roque fort? It is for CHEESUS who'll have
} it all.
} } Now to caerphilly with Brest in blue
} What was the weapon to carry us through?
}
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